Episode  10, Assault on Precinct UTF

Summary:

Bryan Callen starts off the episode with a great monologue. They really need to give him a solid five minutes in each episode.

This episode kicked ass. Was definetly an action packed episode.

Things I loved about this episode…

• Carla puts a bullet through the bitten cop’s head. She’s awesome. Even when she’s not in Daisy Dukes.
• Captain Dashel – “He died honar a horribly.”
• I can’t wait to see Kirsten kick some ass Ninja style.  I just know its coming.
• Awesome fight scene in the precint. And Billie got to take his shirt off.
• Carla is awesome.
• Captain Dashel plays hardball with Rico. (but he doesn’t realize yet that his neice is the one who emptied the arms locker – or at least that is my bet.)
• Police charge is awesome. Stubeck killing a zombie with a drawer rocks.
• Kirsten, you go girl. Kick some zombie ass and redeem yourself.
• Chain decapitation!!!
• Captain Dashel – “Hey no badge, I got this.” To the sound guy.
• Captain Dashel – “The chinese use the same symbol for oppurtunity as they do for danger, which could explain how they drive.”  I can’t stop laughing.
• Kirsten is a VIRGIN.  Ten times hotter.
• Billie – “I’m tired of everyone around her fingering Kirstin….you know what I mean.” In regards to them all thinking she’s a turncoat.
• Kirsten puts a stake through Rico. You go girl. Redeem your ass.
• Carla know how to motivate John John. She promises him they’ll get a hotel room and he goes berserk.  He’s definetly in the zone.
• Captain Dashel – “That is what I call a  whole lot of black power.” In regards to John John kicking some ass.  And then “It looks like my d*ck on a Sunday morning.” I can’t stop laughing again. OMG, Brian Callen rocks.

• I think John John is going to get to have some fun with Carla. Lucky dog.
• Did John John just die?

Things that I didn’t like about this episode…

• Like you’re going to near a zombie body, ever.
• Who shot Kirsten? WTF.  Oh, it was dark.
• People, never seperate. Stay together, with your backs to a wall so you can fight.

Episode  11, Partners

Summary:

I am still in shock. I think John John bit it at the end of the last episode, but I’m not quite sure yet. OMG, I think he bought it. That sucks. I can’t believe they killed him off, just as he was about to get in Carla’s pants, and possibly her girlfriends. It’s just wrong.  Oh SWEET JESUS he is alive.  Just in the hospital.

Meanwhile Stubeck is trying to figure out who the mole is for Dashel.

Things I loved about this episode…

• Billie is talking about almost banging Kirsten on Dashel’s desk during John John’s funeral. And then Kirsten says the same thing to Carla.
• Oh, thank God, John John is not dead.
• The old woman and her husband “Stan”.  It’s just a smell, and dogs bark louder than him.
• Captain Dashel reading erotic fiction to John John.
• Billie – “I was this close, this close to banging Kirsten in Dashel’s office….I don’t want to blame John John and those dead cops, no I take that back, I do.” He’s such a prick, but a funny prick.
• Carla and John John sitting in a tree.
• I don’t think that Rico is dead. But I’m wrong.
• Captain Dashel – “Happing sucking.” In response to Rico’s dad telling him they cut the body of their fallen apart and suck the marrow out of his bones.
• Kirsten punches Stubeck.
• Nice moves Stubeck. And you c*ck blocked Billie.
• Oh shit, vampire nurses!!! The worst kind. Vamp Nurses. (And I see Dashel’s neice in there)

Things that I didn’t like about this episode…

• Just shoot “Stan” Carla. Don’t lose your balls.
• You just know Kirsten and Carla leaving “Stan” alone is going to come back and bite them on their asses.
• Don’t fall for it Kirsten…Billie just wants to pork you.

Episode  9, Tick Tick Boom

Summary:

The episode starts with a zombie infested elevator. The hotel manager is funny. Even with zombies eating people he is concerned about his job.

Kirsten get’s picked up by the “Give Blood, Get Blood” vampire  while Stubeck and Billie down a bomb zombie, or a Bombie as Billie would call it.

Meanwhile Carla and John John got to breakfast with Carla’s girlfriend, and then things get really interesting. Jealously all around.

Things I loved about this episode…

• Carla is a kick ass shot. And kick ass hot.
• Captain Dashel – “These zombies are reproducing faster than the Kardashians.”
• Billie talking about Stubecks kid’s teacher.
• Carla comes out of the closet.
• Kirsten gets in trouble and get’s yelled at by Captain Dashel. He actually has a serious moment.
• John John get’s his mind blown at the breakfast table. Its a very hot breakfast scene.
• Captain Dashel goes crazy on Rico. Take that Rico.  Too bad Dashel doesn’t realize his niece is on the wrong side.
• Stubeck takes down a zombie at his kids school. (and then realizes there is a bomb in it)

 

Things that I didn’t like about this episode…

• They made Dashel be serious for a minute. WTF?

Episode  8, Undead Hookers

Summary:

The episode starts with Stubeck pulling over what he thinks his a DUI. It turns out it was a vampire attack, not a mobile BJ.  Captain Dashel then get’s to rock his monologue. Go Bryan Callan.

The episode started off strong with Captain Dashel leading the charge, but then tailed off a bit. The humor was a 4. Carla’s Ass was a 5. I hope they dress her like a hooker again.

Things I loved about this episode…

• Carla gets to be a vamp hooker. Yah!!!
• Captain Dashel – “Watch her like an ostrich.” You have to watch it, I can’t do it justice.
• Stubek – “He’s a nice crackhead.”
• OMG, Carla is hot. Nice Daisey Dukes. What an ass.

• What the hell is Captain Dashel going to do with a hemp rope and hot water?
• Ha ha, John John is in love with hot lesbian Carla
• John John, what the hell are you doing. Carla could be in the process of getting sucked dry. Nice move John John.
• Carla – “How did you know where to shoot.” John John – “I didn’t.”  Nice moves using the sound eqipment to get your shot. And then getting caught looking at her knockers.
• Very interesting, why would a vamp put a bomb in a backpack?

Things that I didn’t like about this episode…

• Wouldn’t the men going to see Carla “the Vampire” realize she’s warm blooded?

Episode  7, Who, What, When, Werewolf… Why

Summary:

Kirsten starts the episode by killing a poor jogger. I mean it was her fault. If she’d just put out that werewolf wouldn’t have gone nuts on the jogger. Billy meanwhile decides to go after the vampire who beat Stubeck up.

The episode was good, and I was going to rank it as 4, but Bryan Callan had some great lines, lifting it to a 5.

Things I loved about this episode…

• Kirsten is hot, even if she gets joggers killed.
• Captain Dashel is great. His lines rock. Bryan Callan keeps the laughs coming.
• Carla – “It’s my birdthday, I want that.” in reference to the zombie she just killed.
• Stubeck being protective of Kirsten is cute. I guess he doesn’t know she gets joggers killed.
• John John takes a watch off a zombie and gives it to Carla as a gift. I’m sure it won’t end badly. Carla – “You stole this off that zombie.” John John – “Your saying that because I’m black.”
• Captain Dashel -“You’re a good looking man….with a mouth like a cut peach.” OMG, I can’t stop laughing.
• GO Dashel, kick some Vampire Ass.
• Stubeck saves Kirsten’s ass.  He’s such a sweety.

Things that I didn’t like about this episode…

• Haven’t John John & Carla seen Zombieland? Double tap people, doubletap.
• Come on, the moment I saw them chase a vampire into the tanning salone I knew what was going to happen.

Episode  6, The Hottest Day of the Year

Summary:

It’s hot and the force is being punished for Jon-Jon’s octogenarian beating. PUS cards anyone ?- (Possible Undead Suspect)  Episode 6 keeps the laughs rolling.  So far the only stinker has been episode 4, but I guess that is still a pretty good batting average.

While the team has fun with the zombies Kirsten get’s to go to a turning party with Dashel’s neice and a new term is coined, gang fang. But of course she is getting in over her head.

Things I loved about this episode…

• I had blood in my semen once, it looked like a candy cane.
• Captain Dashel rocks.  Keep the laughs coming Bryan Callen. There is something just awesome about the way he rubs suntan lotion into Stubacks head.
• Kirsten is a hotty. Is it wrong to hope she fails as an actor and goes into porn?
• The sewer poops.  I can’t stop laughing.
• Stubeck loses it and has some fun.

Things that I didn’t like about this episode…

• Its 112 degrees in the shades.  Where are my sweated through white t-shirts.
• Stubeck get’s covered in zombie blood and no one is worried about getting the virus.

Episode  5, Zombie Fights

Summary:

It’s a nursing home, not a zombie infested hospital you jerk.

I was a bit worries after last weeks episode, but “Zombie Fights” delivered the goods, thanks to Bryan Callen for the most part. He get’s multiple solid laughs throughout the show.

Things I loved about this episode…

• It’s not important who did this, so I feel totally comfortable saying it was “Jon-Jon”
• Zombie Fights – It sounds disgusting and completely debased. I’d like to see one. Bryan Callen brings the laughs.
• A gentleman’s bet.
• Kirsten always ends up with one cheek hanging out when she buys cheap underwear. She’s so hot.
• I wish nothing but bad things on all of you – drive safe.
• Carla in the bar, nice shirt, and nice kiss. I think she likes Kirsten. I hope she likes Kirsten. Please have it on tape MTV.
• Captain Dashell and his uber gay goodbye speech.

Things that I didn’t like about this episode…

• Poor Jon-Jon.
• Poor Stubeck gets the shit kicked out of him.
• The episode made up for last week, so not much to complain about.

Episode  4, Two Girls, One Cop

Summary:

A werewolf goes crazy on his pornstar friends and Jonjon wants to go at it with a bat.  I’m not sure exactly how though.

While the premise of werewolves at a porn shoot sounds great, the episode lagged a bit. The fourth episode was okay, but it had the least amount of real laughs in the series so far.

Things I loved about this episode…

• We can’t find our makeup girl, and we do a lot of close ups.
• She can make a vagina look like a pair of Swedish baby thumbs?
• Kirsten kicking some ass.
• “Cough – lawsuit, cough – lawsuit.”

Things that I didn’t like about this episode…

• Do you really talk into a d*ldo you find at a porn shoot? Gross…
• Were the porn stars a bit chubby?
• Stubeck talking to the porn star about why she got into the business.  It made being a porn star sound just a bit too nice.

Episode  3

Summary:

The blood mobiles are being robbed. Time to kick some vamp ass.

Another great episode.  I just wish they were an hour long.

Things I loved about this episode…

• Kirsten is hot.
• I have subcutaneous fat, so getting that V is out of the question. (yeah, me too)
• Stubeck calls a time out.
• The bat never runs out of ammo. How f*cking true.
• GBGB – Give blood, get buzzed. It tastes like jager.  It looks a bit like a dirty sanchez to me.
• Save us cookies, we’ll get you ammo.
• Why do vampires get to kiss all the girls?
• Carla is kinda hot too.

Things that I didn’t like about this episode…

• Wasn’t it daylight when the vamps attacked the reporter?

Episode  2

Summary:

The opening scene was awesome.  “I’m going to shoot her if you don’t.

The cops are crazy and maybe a bit gay.  Episode two doesn’t disappoint.  My only dissapointment was that it was only 22 minutes long.

Things I loved about this episode…

• Shooting ex girlfriends.
• Filipino lady boys.  It all feels good in the dark. Hmm….okay.
• Zombies are a cross betwen hobos and poo.
• Bryan Callen is great as the goofie ass Dashell. He plays the oversharing creepy guy so well.
• A through the head shot.
• Stubeck is a nice guy.

Things that I didn’t like about this episode…

• The hot blonde cop should have been wearing less and tighter clothes when kick boxing.  Just saying.